OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW ON DIVORCE IN CONNECTICUT!

After some consideration, today I made the sad decision to retire one of my long time pages: "CT Legal Blogs". One of the big reasons I felt sorry taking it down is because it garnered so many page views and I always like to retain on my blog any feature which is highly popular.  

On the other hand, I really have to consider the purpose of my blog. Am I here to promote the blogs of legal professionals? Really? Reluctantly, I must agree that I probably am not, even though the information could be valuable to people depending upon what they are looking for.  

I am also concerned that the CT Legal Blog page could give the impression that I am endorsing certain attorneys and attorney firms--which I am not. I do not promote or endorse any particular attorney or firm.  

Historically, I began the CT Legal Blogs page very early in my work as a blogger, and I did it out of interest for what kinds of other blogs were out there.  I have to say that this was a very important part of my learning process and, in the course of the investigation into other legal blogs, I was very impressed with the high quality of many of the blogs and I think it is really valuable that there are attorneys out there who are blogging and who are sharing very important information with litigants and helping them with their decision making processes and keeping them informed.  This is truly a public service for the many thousands of litigants who are trying to navigate their way through the CT Legal system.  

On the other hand, I think it is time for me to let go of their digital hands and move forward independent of their influence.  The bottom line is that I am the voice of the litigant and I wish to align myself with the voices of other litigants.  I don't want to be mistaken for a legal professional in any way.  So eliminating this particular page is part of being more clear regarding how I definite myself and where my position is in the marketplace of ideas.  

As with many things, change is not always easy.  Nonetheless, I think this is a change that has found its time, so I am going to go with it.  

As a replacement for the page we are losing here, I am now adding a page which will link viewers directly to the Divorce in Connecticut Youtube page.  This is the easiest way I could think of to direct people towards the Youtube page which is now beginning to play a much greater role in the work I am doing.  

I am not sure if this will be my final resting place for the Youtube link, but it seems to me to be good enough for now.  As with many things, the effectiveness of the blog is limited to my technical abilities which are slow in developing.  

When it comes to the blog, my first concern is always to ensure that I post family court news in a timely and efficient manner so that activists are well informed about developments.  If that means I have an absence of razzle dazzle in my blog, so be it.  Meanwhile, we do have a Youtube channel up and running and I think it will add a rich visual dimension to the distribution of information regarding our corrupt family court system.  

I'd be interested in hearing from people regarding their experience of the Divorce in Connecticut Youtube channel as it moves forward.  Don't hesitate to add your thoughts in the comment section below!

WHEN DO CASES APPEAR ON THE "DIVORCE IN CONNECTICUT" WEBSITE!

I am regularly contacted by people who are enduring very difficult situations in family court.  Many of the people who contact me are hoping that I will write about their case and tell the world what is going on.  

As an aside, I do think it is amazing how many people think that  if anyone knew what was happening to them, someone would immediately intervene in their horrific family court case.  Little do they know that the majority of people who could do something about it, i.e. other attorneys, political advocates, leaders of charitable organizations, clergy, or their neighbors--would never reach out to support them.  Once you have been sucked into the dark hole of family court no one wants to touch you.  

Why?  

In my opinion, this is because people are essentially heartless and once you are in trouble, you just have to find within yourself somewhere the resources necessary to wade your way through the swamp and survive.  Perhaps you will make it, most likely you will not.  As my parents used to chorus together when they were alive, "Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone."  No truer words have ever been said.  

These reports of truly horrific family court situations are usually accompanied, as I have said, with a request for help.  Of course, I have no help to give particularly. I am not an attorney.  I am not particularly well connected.  I know important people, but if they were going to do anything, it wouldn't be for a mother, it would be for a father.  So there isn't much I can do.  

Yes, I can give people a platform, and I can tell their stories, and I don't want to underestimate how important that is to people.  It does matter when you have come to the end of the road in your family court disaster and you have lost your kids and every dime you have, and you have lost your standing in the community, and no one will speak to you anymore because they think you are a bad person, to have an article come out explaining what happened from your side of the story.  I will never underestimate or devalue how significant it is to have an audience and to have a platform where your suffering and pain will be acknowledged.  

However, if a litigant is at the beginning of their trek, if they are still underway in the journey, and there is even a modicum of hope, I absolutely will never tell that story.  

Why?  

Because if there is any chance that a litigant might somehow be rescued from her situation, I do not want to play a role in preventing her from success.  The bottom line is that the CT Judicial Branch is full of spiteful, cruel, and mean individuals and if you expose them in the media, you will definitely never see your children again and you definitely will end up on the street.  So I do limit myself to writing about hopeless cases or cases that have played an important role within the family court system but that are maybe 20 to 30 years old.  There are many of those and they are always fun to write about.  

The other aspect of writing about people's stories has to do with the commitment of this blog to accuracy.  I am not willing to write about a litigant's case when I do not have full information.  This means that while I may find a story very tragic and saddening, I won't just publish such a story without a considerable amount of scrutiny.  

If I write about a litigant's case I usually review the memoranda of decision, the custody evaluation, the GAL report, emails back and forth from the litigant to her attorney and other professionals in the case, motions to the court of every variety, exhibits, and transcripts of court hearings, etc..  If I don't have access to these documents, I will be sympathetic, but I will not go any further.  

Anyone who looks at the case studies that I have included on this blog will see that discussions are based fully on the documents and the testimony that has been provided to me.  

I am not interested in sensationalism, or heartbreaking stories that are intended to shock and scandalize, I am interested in cases that instruct and edify.  This is just the kind of person that I am, and I really have to build on who I am in order to have the kind of website that I consider meets a high standard of accuracy and integrity.  Of course, if others choose to do things differently, I am not judging or anything. I'm just talking about what I feel comfortable with for myself.  

The plus side of this policy is that you can count on the fact that I am telling the truth to the best of my ability on the blogs I've posted on my website.  On the down side, for people who have had enough questioning, who have been mistreated and abused, I am probably not the best person to talk to because I could make a person feel hurt because I don't take what they have to say on face value.  One of the prime mandates of the #metoo movements is that you should believe the victims.  I do.  

However, I am well aware that we live in a pretty harsh world and in order to have a voice, that voice must be vetted.  The mothers who have worked with me and undergone this process, who have partnered with me in making sure that I told their stories fully and accurately are real heroines to me.  Above all, I have a great deal of admiration and respect for the mothers who have done this and had their stories published on my website in a way that greatly assists and supports other mothers who are struggling with our corrupt family court system.  It is my hope that eventually reforms will arise from such stories, and that these mothers will not have suffered in vain. 

MORE ON FREEDOM OF SPEECH IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!

Since I brought up the whole issue of freedom of speech and how far people can push their right to speak on the Divorce in Connecticut website, I thought I'd give another example where I struggled with whether or not to publish a comment. As you may know, the DIC policy in regard to comments is as follows:

'This blog is a bigotry free zone open to all persons, regardless of age, race, religion, color, national origin, sex, political affiliations, marital status, physical or mental disability, age, or sexual orientation. Further, this blog is open to the broad variety of opinions out there and will not delete any comments based upon point of view. However, comments will be deleted if they are worded in an abusive manner and show disrespect for the intellectual process."

The prime focus of this policy, in my view, is the prohibition against abuse. On February 16, 2018, there were judiciary committee hearings where Rep. William Tong told activists that they were not allowed to wear T shirts with a protest message if they wished to give testimony before the Committee. The Divorce in Connecticut website, among others, challenged that stand as a violation of the Constitutional Right to Freedom of Speech. Thus, the following video appeared on the Divorce in Connecticut website:

https://divorceinconnecticut.blogspot.com/2018/02/rep-william-tong-violates-public-right.html

After this video was posted on the website, I received the following comment:

"The only one who showed disrespect was you and your band of "victims".. Maybe it's time you move on with your life and become productive members of society."

So, what do you think? Does this qualify under the definition of commenting in "an abusive manner" as I've laid out in the policy in regard to commenting on this website? My first reaction was that this comment was abuse and I was very reluctant to allow it to be posted. For a while, I was going back and forth with it. Then, I said to myself, it doesn't use bad language and while it is mildly insulting it isn't full fledged abuse. But does it have to reach the level of full fledged abuse for me to reject it? How far is too far? To a certain extent, family court victims have suffered to much and don't deserve even the slightest disrespect. Yet, we live in the real world and need to toughen up; there is no doubt about it.

In the end, I did publish this comment, albeit with some pretty serious reservations. Still, I was pretty relieved when someone responded to it correctively a few days later. What do you think? Would you have published this remark? I'd love to hear your views!

FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND THE COMMENT SECTION ON DIVORCE IN CONNECTICUT!

Recently, I posted a short video about the way Rep. William Tong restricted our Freedom of Speech at the recent Judiciary Committee hearing on February, February 16, 2018.  I was very indignant about his actions of restricting freedom of speech and interfering in the people's right to present their grievances before the Committee.  

As a journalist, I particularly treasure my right to speak freely about various matters, to explore difficult, sometimes unpopular topics--sometimes just my right to make statements that get in people's faces, but are important to speak about.  This is true about a blog I wrote recently about the anti-semitism that has infiltrated the family court reform movement here in CT.  

I have been slow to criticize this anti-semitism simply because I struggle with the fact that when we are talking about some of the worst miscreants, many of them are Jewish and they victimized me.  I have stated that I believe that Jewish People should be held to a higher standard in regard to ethical and humane behavior.  I know that some remarks like that are not going to be popular, but if we need to get these matters out into the open, who else but someone like me is going to put it there.  I say this as a person who is half Jewish, whose father's family was largely wiped out during the holocaust, and who has been frequently subjected to anti-semitism here in Connecticut.

What this means is that I greatly hesitate to restrict not only my own speech out of the fear of reprisals, or fear of what people will think of me, I am also deeply concerned if I am placed in the position of restricting the freedom of speech of the people who take the time to comment on my blog. I greatly appreciate the reflections, additional information, and insights from personal experience that people add to my blog in their comments.  

While I can certainly post articles, videos, and documents to my blog, they really come from my editorial team and from me.  This means that we hold a very specific perspective.  The people who add their thoughts to the blog through their comments are the salt that make the blog what it is. They add a depth of insight, a willingness to come at problems from perspectives that I've never considered.  The debates that take place in the comment section help to hammer out an understanding of the problems that are affecting family court in an extremely valuable way.  

What would then make me ship a comment to spam instead of posting it?  

Well, a number of reasons.  First of all, I do have a blog that is a "bigotry free zone" and so any comments that include abuse of any kind directed towards a particular gender, religion, racial minority, gender oriention or something of that nature automatically cannot be published based upon that policy.  

Of course, the question then is, when does a remark rise to the level of being so offensive that it cannot be published?  Are there questionable comments I can publish if I add some introductory remarks at the beginning to provide context or disclaim the improper parts of a comment, but laud the good parts of it?  When and where do you draw the line?  That is one of the most difficult questions that I face when it comes to the managment of this blog which is intended to further advocacy for family court reform and encourage legislators and decision makers to support our positions.

For the better part, I find that allowing people to comment freely results in a situation where the truth of a situation comes out.  If one person makes a statement which is inaccurate or misleading, some other person is very likely to jump in and correct it. And through that back and forth, the results are usually satisfactory.  Sometimes you find that a person will write a comment I thoroughly disagree with, but within the free exchange that takes place within the comment section, the comment becomes full of promise and real interest and generates considerable understanding of the family court problems that we as a movement are attempting to address.  

In general then, whether I agree, or whether I disagree, as long as comments do not violate the websites bigotry free zone policies, I just post them.  

However, there is one circumstance where I have regrettably had to violate that policy.  This occurs when the people who comment on the blog turn out to be professional spin doctors.  These are people who troll through websites like mine in regard to a specific issue where they wish to control the message and they use their training to deceive, misguide, outright lie and spin discussions so that the result is confusion, fogging, and a conclusion to the discussion that is just wrong--plain and simple.  

There are two outstanding cases where this did occur and where I was left with very tough decisions.  The first was in the Ken Savino v. Colleen Kerwick case where one or maybe even two spin doctors--I suspect lawyers associated with the case--added extensive comments to the articles on that case, all of which were clearly misleading, disruptive, and slanderous of Colleen Kerwick.  Unfortunately, for the general public it would have been hard for them to identify this because the attorneys made reference to events and documents that the public would be unable to gain access to.  

In that situation, I decided to deal with it by alerting those who were familiar with the case so that they could provide a response to the comments and keep the dialogue clear and accurate. While I was not completely satisfied with this outcome, I did feel it was the best I could do in order to be fair to both sides and also to be true to what I understand about the case.  

In retrospect, I am not sure that I would have so freely allowed commentary from these professional spin doctors because putting information out there which simply consisted of lie after lie after misrepresentation I believe wasn't fair to the people in the case.  As a journalist, if there is one quality I like to ensure not only for the subjects of my articles but also on behalf of my audience is credible information.  

Most interesting, I next faced this particular problem in a serious way with my article on Woody Allen.  Once I had posted that particular blog, I was faced with several detailed comments written by highly skilled, highly capable spin doctors who created word products that were a sophisticated and insidious combination of truth, fiction, and invention. They referenced documents and expert witnesses in a way that appeared very credible until I went back to the originals and found that I'd been misinformed or misled about their content.  

I struggled for several days about what to do about this.  Ordinarily, I rely upon my audience to identify the failings in the arguments I find in posted comments, and usually folks are very effective about that, as I have said.  The freedom of speech I generally allow, the lively debate that I encourage in response to blogs usually works to find the defects in my own reasoning and in that of other commentators.  But in regard to the spin doctors who made comments on Woody Allen's blogs, I knew that they were so sophisticated and so well crafted that it would be impossible to rely on that self regulating process.  

As a result, I will acknowledge I simply did not post some of them that were outright misrepresentations.  Further, I cut and pasted sections from the statements these spin doctors made, put them in the comment section, and then responded to them with the facts of the Woody Allen case with which I was very familiar.  

Was this cheating?  Was this lying?  

I will leave that question up to you.  I felt it was lying on the part of these spin doctors to tell lies with such conviction that the audience would be unable to tell the truth from the lies.  I unravelled what they had to say and expressed it in a way people could understand so they could respond intelligently.  

I relied upon my objectivity in doing so.  Further, I believed I acted with integrity in allowing the spin doctor's actual content into the comments section.  But I cut out the lies that were in them.  For instance, if one comment said a babysitter did this or said that, but the court report indicates this wasn't the truth, I simply didn't post it, or I posted it with the facts proving the statement untrue.  

In doing so, I made an executive decision along with my editorial board.  It wasn't easy to make and I felt guilty the entire time I did it.  But I would have felt worse if I'd allowed the publication of misleading information written by a person with communication skills that are far, far beyond the average.  Also, with an inside knowledge of the documents in the case that would take most people hours to find and read.  

Should I have had more faith in my audience to figure out what was happening with this spin doctor?  Would this have been a better approach to this problem?  I don't know.  But one thing I do know, and that I felt at the time, and this is that it is enough that victims of sexual abuse have to put up with the smears and lies of perpetrators, all in the name of fairness.  I felt that it was timesup on letting perpetrators have the advantage of a team of well heeled, highly paid professionals to cover their tracks.  

For better or worse, this was my decision, and I'm ready to live with it.  What are your thoughts on this?  What would you have done were you in my position?

CELEBRATING THE MOMENT OF FINDING WHERE YOU BELONG!

THE COMMENT SECTION ON THE DIC BLOG!

One important aspect of my work as a blogger is to keep track of the comments and make sure that they are appropriate.  This involves not only the effect of comments on my work, but also the effect of comments on the readers who come to the blog looking for a place to air their thoughts and ideas. 

Interestingly enough, I see I wrote about this topic from another angle just last September.  So, clearly, this is an ongoing issue!

THREATS, FAKE INQUIRIES, AND ABUSIVE COMMENTS!

When I began to consider writing this blog, it wasn't so much that I wanted to write the blog so much as I was called to write it.  I felt an almost religious compulsion to start the blog and continue to write as much good information on it as I could find. 

 

I did everything I could to avoid setting up the blog, but in the end I found the call to write this blog so powerful that it really swept away all my worries and concerns that there might be some very damaging consequences to authoring this blog somewhere down the line.  The work that I do definitely challenges people who are in strong positions of power who could do me a lot of harm.  Like many others I am afraid of what they could do to me if I spoke out.  Still, I truly felt that God had called me to this work and that nothing I could do would stop me from proceeding with it. 

 

When I researched what blogging programs to use and finally settled on blogger, it was amazing how easily I was able to use the program and design my blogsite.  I felt as though I had magic in my fingers because everything that I did just came out right.  Somehow, within an amazingly short period of time the concepts I had for the blog in terms of the layout took no time at all to achieve.  As a result, I couldn't help but think that my stars were aligned and that some higher power was guiding me.  

 

In some ways I was terrified by writing the blog because doing so really puts you out there as a writer and an artist.  You are testing the quality of your work and character with an audience that really makes up its own mind and chooses what to read based on its own tastes.   

 

On the other hand, when I had problems in my family court case, when some action I had taken did not succeed, when I doubted my ability to survive, at least I could say to myself, my work will live on and encourage and strengthen women in my position well beyond the present day.  So the blog has given me hope and the courage to continue to move forward and to fight the battle even in my darkest hours. 

 

Still, there is no doubt that I continue to pay a price in terms of the cost to me of the many people on the internet who are angered by my work, who feel I have no business challenging the powerful cabals out there which are taking children away from their fit parents and destroying them financially. 

 

These people contact me regularly with threats, with abusive commentary, and also they attempt to prey upon my good will by sending me fake information about themselves in a ploy to find more information out about me, or to get me to practice law without a license by asking for legal advice. 

 

As everyone knows, since I have posted this on my blog, I am not an attorney.  But still people will pretend and take on fake identities hoping to compromise me and ask me for legal advice which I am not qualified to give. 

 

To be honest, I shouldn't really complain about this situation.  If I am actually doing my job, I should be making lots of people very angry and uncomfortable.  So when I end up receiving a considerable amount of threats and abuse, then it is quite likely I am succeeding in my work, so I should be very satisfied with that. 

 

On the other hand, no one wants to be the focus of verbal abuse.  It is as though people are throwing garbage at you and even though you know it is a sign of success to receive it, abusive feedback inevitably bears an emotional price for any blogger.  I do feel sad and unhappy when people send me messages like "You bitter old bitch--why don't you get a life!" 

 

I wouldn't be human if messages like that didn't strike me negatively. 

 

It does give me an electric shock when I suddenly realize that the dialogue I was having with a reader I assumed was an abused woman, turns out to actually be from an abusive guy.  Those types always like to jump out from behind their guises eventually and go "boo."   

 

Then I get the ones who threaten lawsuits and the like in very official language and accuse me of various forms of inaccuracy and slander. 

 

Luckily for me, I really have worked hard on my blog to make sure that my information is credible and accurate, so I feel pretty confident about that. 

 

Basically, I think I am pretty fair.  I am not interested in ruining reputations and spreading scandalous gossip.  I am more interested in holding people accountable in a way that is responsible and respectful of the circumstances.  What I would really like to do is help solve the problem, if I could, and I do what I can to point out what is the nature of the problem.  But I do not like to attack or embarrass individuals if I can avoid it. 

 

There are situations where I can't avoid specifically addressing a particular individual, for example, in the case of Attorney James T. Flaherty where his behavior has been so outrageous and caused harm to so many people.  But usually, I try to avoid pointing fingers, and I look to build bridges where I can and help people to see that there is a better way to conduct their business. 

 

Still, even as moderate as I am, or as I perceive myself, as I blogger I have received some very harsh personal attacks.  I understand that this is part of the territory and so I have learned to develop a thick skin in this area. 

 

I am always ready to reach out to change hearts and minds even with the most hostile individuals.  The bottom line is that these kinds of challenges will not silence me and they will not prevent me from speaking out about the fraud and wrongdoing I see taking place in family court every day here in Connecticut. 

 

Of course, what empowers me to say that are the many readers I have who encourage me and support me every single day of the week.  I could never do this work alone--so much arises from the tips I receive, the articles people send to me, and also peoples' stories which they've been willing to share with me and with the DIC reader community.  I am very grateful for that help and support every day.

 

I will continue to blog and do what I can to help, no matter what the obstacles.  This blog lets victims of family court here in Connecticut know they are not alone and they are not crazy.  No amount of threat is going to stop me from writing it. 

 

 

 

 

AM I NAIVE ABOUT THE TASK FORCE?

I posted about the foot dragging that has been going on with the Task Force on Custody hoping to bring the issue to everyone's attention.  Immediately, I received emails from readers saying that I was being naïve and that no amount of work on a task force would make any difference, that the system is so corrupt that the task force will be co-opted by folks who want the corruption to continue. 

 

Perhaps I am a die hard optimist, but I don't think that is entirely true.  I believe change begins with a conversation.  It begins with people who are willing to sit down and discuss what the problems are and what can be done to correct them.  Any kind of social revolution begins like this.  That is not to say that a single task force will fix everything, because that isn't true.  I don't see a quick fix happening overnight.  But I do believe that there are people of good will everywhere and that if those people can build some bridges here through the task force, God bless them for trying.  

 

I also think that we are not just talking about change here.  We are talking about how important it is for Citizens of this State to have their stories heard.  The implementation of justice may be slow, but citizens can obtain some acknowledgment for their hurt and pain through the Task Force simply through the process of being heard and having the recognition of supporters such as ourselves.  The process of telling our stories, speaking up about what we have endured and what we have suffered, this is an important process which should not be denigrated or denied. 

 

Yes, this initial task force may be hindered from taking meaningful action, but if it simply sits there while we speak of what happened to us, as we put on the record the injuries done to us, as we name names as we hold up to the light the individuals responsible for criminal activities and various wrongdoings against us, there is a triumph to that which should be acknowledged.  If this is all the task force does, thank God for that. 

 

However, I don't think that this will be all the task force achieves.  I think it will encourage others to come out and speak up about what they have gone through and this means more citizens who are ready to put pressure on our representatives to get something done to reform our State Courts. 

 

I also want to add that we shouldn't just be coming to this task force to complain.  What we need are concrete plans to make changes in the Connecticut Statutes so that we can rein in the corruption by the implementation of laws that are targeted to prevent it from continuing.  So when it comes to the task force we need to come to the table not only with our stories, but also with our proposals for how we can change the law to prevent these tragic situations from every occurring again. 

 

I'm not naïve enough to think that a single task force packed with Connecticut Judicial Branch personnel will do it, but we need to begin somewhere.  At some point we have to shift from being victims who distrust any possibility of healing, to survivors who work toward building a system that stops creating more victims, and the responsibility for doing that starts with each and every one of us. 

 

So, again, I'd say, contact members of the task force, ask them to get things  moving, comment on my blog about how we need to complete the list of appointees at, see below:

 

http://www.divorceinconnecticut.blogspot.com/2013/08/more-foot-dragging-positions-on-child.html

 

And seriously, are all of you prepared with your stories and your proposals so that you can  work with the task force when it is ready to go?  

GOOGLE TRANSLATE

I am really happy to have the google translate feature on my blog.  I have a large readership from all over the world and I think the translate feature makes the blog much more accessible to them. 

 

I'm not sure what the attraction of a blog on legal issues in Connecticut has to people in, say Latvia, but apparently it does.  So I am all for it and will do what I can to make the blog accessible to them. 

 

Already since I put the google translate feature on the blog, my readership from around the world has more than tripled.  The more information we can get out there the better as far as I am concerned.  I was happy to get some folks from Germany who were willing to share their struggles with me. 

 

I would like to be able to provide more reports on progress around the world if possible. It is important to be aware that people are facing corruption in family court and with DCF all over the world and not just Connecticut and the U.S. But that is a goal I am still striving for. 

YAY! I'M ON TOP!

I haven't written on this blog for such a long time.  I'm not even sure if I should, at this point.  However, I did want this blog to be a more casual way to connect with readers, so I hate to neglect it. 

 

Simply put, I don't write on this blog because blogging takes a considerable amount of time, even when you are discussing very limited topics.  For example, today I just spent three hours writing about Rooker-Feldman and the Domestic Relations Exception. 

 

These are not complicated issues, but still making sure that I have my facts right takes a considerable amount of time.  I always check and double check the information at various locations online to be sure that what I'm saying is correct. 

 

I do like the article because I think it does answer that question, the one about why attorneys in family court just don't give a shit about your rights.  The same goes for probate court as far as I can see.  If you go online and google it, probate court is just about the second most corrupt court there is.  And why?  Because there is no federal oversight!  Makes sense, doesn't it! 

 

Returning to the title of my blog here, I am feeling very satisfied that I've been able to pursue this blog for the last two years.  As a result, I am particularly gratified to find that when I plugged in the terms "Connecticut Divorce Blog" into google, my blog was the first entry.  This is the first time that's happened!   I feel like I've worked very hard to obtain that recognition, to earn the trust of my audience, and to attract the high level of traffic that spends time on my blog.  I'm happy to see that working hard has led to some good results and that I have been part of starting a conversation that I hope will result in the reform of our family court system. 

 

I want to thank my audience for that because credit really goes to the people who are ready to listen, to learn, and use the information I provide to help others.  The kinds of people I've met through this blog are just like that.

PROGRESS OF THE DIC BLOG

"To be honest, I never thought it would happen, but my audience for Divorce in Connecticut is actually growing quite substantially.  Every time I look at the stats section, I am finding that a considerable number of individuals access my blog.  This happens even when I'm not even posting on the blog, or on weekends when blogs ordinarily don't get much traffic.  Wow!  This must mean that I am doing something right. "

I wrote these words six months ago, and was interupted and never got back to them.  But they are true.  I am finding that I am receiving considerable traffic on my blog, and the traffic continues even when I stop posting for several days.  I guess I have enough material so that if I don't have any new posts, people still go to the blog and read up on what I have there. 

 I am so glad that things turned out well, because I wasn't sure if what I had to say was relevant or would be helpful.  It is very comforting for me to know that even if my case isn't going well, or even if my personal life is causing me problems, I can still work on my blog and make a contribution to the lives of others.

I really enjoy the freedom I have to say what I think on the blog, and to post whatever interests me--jokes, videos, songs, reflections, information on the law.  Writing the blog is a very liberating experience.  I may be restricted in so many ways because of the impact that family court has had on me, but here in this blog I can express myself as I wish.  That is very healing for me.

Violent, Selfish Fathers vs. Violent, Selfish Mothers on Trial

Violent, Selfish Fathers vs. Violent, Selfish Mothers on Trial

FIXING UP MY "LINKS" PAGE

Hurray!  I finally got around to it!  I fixed up my links page so that the links are all in working order and if you click on the page you have a quick description of each link so you know what you are getting into once you click it.  Why wasn't this done before, you ask?  Because I am lazy, lazy, lazy! 

Some of the links' URLs are not self explanatory and knowing what each of them is required me to click on them and do an assessment of what you would find so I could write up a little blurb.  Previously, I wasn't prepared to do that, so you had to take the luck of the draw if you clicked on them before today. 

So "high 5" guys, no more mystery now.  It's all explained and all at your finger tips.  Each one of the websites I have listed is useful and valuable when it comes to finding information and support in regard to your high conflict divorce.  I will continue to update the page as I go forward.

THE SHENKMAN CASE

I can't help but notice recently, how much attention my blog on the The Shenkman Case is receiving.  This is a case where this gentleman burned down two of the marital homes and then took his wife hostage and threatened to kill her. 


I know that my tone in this blog is rather edgy and this may shock some people.  I think readers and even I sense in myself this feeling of anarchy that underlies the discussion in this posting.  Some of this arises from the intensity of the emotions I have experienced during my divorce combined with the strict discipline which I am required to exercise over those emotions.  Sometimes, I can't help but let lose verbally.


I think that the edginess in this blog also arises from a feeling of frustration at the legal system that simply fails to respond in the face of crisis and does not protect people who truly need help.  At the same time, it places burdens on mentally fragile individuals who are unable to handle those burdens, and the result is often tragic for everyone involved, particularly the children. 


I also acknowledge in this blog how angry people are, not only at the system, but also at themselves and often at their former spouses who are often perceived as the source of their suffering.  I have listened to a good many people express their wish that the other party, the ex wife or the ex husband would simply die a slow and painful death. 


Under the circumstances, it is amazing to me that people show such restraint and act appropriately when deep down they wish to do otherwise.  In many respects, this self restraint is an act of courage. 


Finally, I think that the edgy tone of this blog could lead people to misinterpret what I am saying.  Under no circumstances does this blog in any way condone violence.

DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?

It's just before Xmas and I had the big idea to put "Ave Maria" out on my central DIC blog.  Was this a good idea or a bad one?  What do you think?  

Is my audience going to think that I have turned into this deeply religious person who is going to push my views on others and try to make converts?  Are people going to start thinking I am Catholic or something?  Would it be better to avoid mentioning anything about religion at all, even at this time of the year?  I truly had a great many hesitations before I put the song out there because I do not want to alienate anyone.  And I come from a family of Atheists and I know how any mention of religion can alienate people like that. 

In the end, after thinking the issue through I decided that I should just go with my gut sense of what the DIC blogspot needs and what is the central spirit and intention of the blogspot.  At no point do I want to say that I have learned the lessons I've obtained in my struggles trying to handle a high conflict divorce without centering myself spiritually and focusing my efforts on what I understand that God wants me to do. 

Every time I get in the car to go to a court hearing, every time I go to a meeting I make sure I pray about it.  And since Mary was one of the earliest people to speak out on behalf of the downtrodden, I thought that for this season she was the right person to celebrate.  So, for better or for worse, it is out there!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS

Often in my DIC blog I talk about preparing court documents and how much time it takes me.  Sometimes I've mentioned how I really want to add to my blog, but can't because there is so much to do for court.  Well, here in this blog I am going to share with you exactly why it takes me so long to get the work done.  It's all in the details!

I recently had to hand in a brief to the Appellate court and I was getting close to the wire and didn't have much time within which to get it done.  What an adventure that turned out to be!


Unfortunately, briefs are written according to a strict format, so I had to make sure that I had everything in order, but I waited to do so at the last minute.  What a mistake!  


As my last action on behalf of the brief, I took a look at the requirements for a brief in the Practice Book 2010 and realized that there are very distinctive requirements for the margins of a reply brief.  One inch on top, one inch on bottom, one inch and 3/4 inch for the left margin and 3/4 inch for the right.  To make sure I had it right, I had to go and get a ruler and measure what I had.  After printing and reprinting and adjusting again and again, I finally had the margins approximately where they were supposed to me, though there was no way I could be exact.  


Unfortunately, I had a bit of a problem because I was on the verge of running out of paper and the finall sheaf of paper I found was overly thick and a little problematic for my printer to even use--every time a sheet came out the machine moaned and groaned and shrieked like I was killing it!  


After, I was done, I went to staples to make my twenty copies.  What the Court requires is an original and sixteen copies.  Then I also have to make additional copies for the parties involved and then I usually add an extra copy for me.  Unfortunately, when I was at Staples, I realized I had made the copies without signing my original meant that what I got was twenty unsigned copies.  So I had to rexerox the final three pages with my signature on it and then toss the unsigned copies and put the whole thing together. 


Depending on the brief you have, there are also requirements about the color of the cover sheet--blue, pink, or white.  Oh, and then on top of this you have to secure the brief with three staples at specific locations on the brief so I had to measure out where I put the staples on each of the twenty briefs I copied.  


Finally done after a few hours of this, I made a quick trip to Subway because I was starving, ate really quickly because I had to get everything to court as soon as possible, and drove into Hartford.  


When I got to Hartford I parked my car near the 2nd Church of Christ Scientist which is near by where the appellate court is.  Just getting a parking sticker for my car was a challenge in itself equal to writing the brief.  I have had to just take a fine several times when I've tried to get the sticker out of the parking kiosk because the darned machine is so complicated, complicated enough to make you want to kick the dang thing.  


On that day, I went and tried to submit my brief to the appellate clerk.  First off he asks me if my original is truly an original.  I'm like, "Weeelllll, it sort of isn't because the paper I used on my original was too thick and I didn't think you'd want paper that thick so I copied my original and have used that copy as the original."  The clerk didn't like that, but he took one of my twenty copies and stamped one with the word "original" in purple letters.  


Then the clerk looked at it again and said, "Well, you have too many pages in your brief and we can't accept it as it is."  Oh, dang, what happened was that when I adjusted the margins so they conformed to the requirements of the court, that ended up adding an extra page to the brief and I was so focused on the problem of getting the margins right I hadn't noticed.  Looking at the clerk as the realization slowly spread through me, I had this panicked clutchy feeling around my heart.  That day was the final deadline for getting the brief in, and I had to get the brief in that day or else.  So I was like, "Well, can't you accept it anyway?"  And the clerk looked at me deadpan and said, "No."  "I'm like, so what can I do."  "Well," he said, "You can take the brief home and cut parts out of it so it conforms to court requirements."  


Now, I knew there was no way I was going to drive one hour back home, spend an hour cutting the brief, and then spend another hour driving back to the courthouse. No way, I'd been up practically all night the night before, I was just too tired.  So I was like, "Well, what if I don't want to do that?"  I don't know, but maybe it's my teacher kid guilt, but I swear when I said that the clerk looked at me with disapproval for my unwillingness to go the extra mile and go home and back.  Even so, I wasn't going to budge.  "What are my other options?" I asked.  "You can write a letter to the judge and ask for permission to file the brief with extra pages." said the clerk.  I said, "OK, that's what I'll do.  Could you get me the name of the  judge I have to write this request to?"  


Needless to say, the clerk made it hard for me to get the exact name.  He walked several feet away from me, turned his back to me, and through the name over his shoulder.  I just about got the first name and a bit of the second name threw the glass partition, enough for me to keep on trying to figure it out at the judicial library next door.  


My next challenge was to find a computer where I could print out my request--the judicial library was just fine for that.  I asked the librarian there to find the name of the judge, but she couldn't figure it out after looking through several official looking legal books.  After watching her for a while, I finally googled the information.  


Just between you and me, watching her was like watching a movie scene--I swear I've seen it in some popular movie--where the villain makes all sorts of high powered karate moves and the hero just pulls out his gun and shoots him dead.  I think what I did rises to that level.  Google is just like the guy with the gun!  Pow!


Then I was typing up the letter when it struck me, how the heck do you address a letter to a judge--dear your honorable reverend judge sir?  And how do you address the envelope of the letter to the judge, versus how do you do the saluation to the judge in the letter--they are different, in fact.  So I went back into consultation with the librarian to get that information, which she provided to me.  


I printed the letter out and returned to the appellate court with my "original" brief and the copies and handed it in.  "So what now?" I asked.  "We will submit the request to the judge and see what he says." said the clerk.  Just to get clarity, because if you don't pursue these guys and ask for specific information, it is amazing how you can get screwed, so I asked him, "Is this brief now accepted by your office." "No," he answered, "unless the judge agrees to accept the brief despite the fact that it goes over the page limit, I have the brief, but it is not officially accepted by this office."  


I'm like, (to myself in my head) so what if the judge says no, then I have missed the deadline for handing in the brief, so where does that leave me?  I was going to articulate this thought to the clerk, but already having dealt with his lack of interest I just figured I'd let go, give the problem to the universe and check in with the clerk at a later date.  


In fact, I did call a few days later and the judge had accepted the brief, extra page and all.  Apparently, judges rarely deny a request of this kind, but still, he could have looked at me and decided to make an exception--there is always that time just in time for you when a judge will do something unexpected.  Never say never.  


Bottom line is, I spent hours on this stuff, margins, deadlines, signatures, page limitations, requests to the judge, driving in and out, worrying about forms of address, and I didn't even deal with anything significantly legal.  Amazing!  You've got to hand it to the legal system; it's a place where trivia rules and nitpickers finally have the opportunity to have their say, and God bless them!  If that's what it takes to get clarity, I guess it's worth it!  At least, I think it is...Hmmmm.

TESTIMONY FROM FAMILY MEMBERS! WHAT IS IT WORTH?

As I wrote the blog regarding Linda Wiegand and what has been said against her, I think the most troubling information that bothered me were the accusations from family members.  Linda Wiegand's own nephew accuses her of sexually abusing him.  Her MOTHER says she thinks that Linda Wiegand is abusing her own children.  


Of course, we aren't getting a professional collection of information here.  What does it mean that the nephew accused Linda Wiegand sexually abusing him--does that mean she made an off color sexual remark or that she actually did something to him physically?  Also, the same goes for the  report from Linda Wiegand's mother.  What did she mean when she said that Linda Wiegand was abusing the children?  Did she mean actual sexual abuse or did it mean that she felt uncomfortable that the children were talking about sexual matters beyond their age and she just assumed that Linda had something to do with it.  Who knows?  


We don't get much clarification of this point and in order to draw any kinds of conclusions we have to know more specifically what this testimony was.  Otherwise, I have got to say that when it comes to high conflict divorce, even when a family member makes a comment or an observation, it is not clear to me that the remarks can be taken seriously.  


Often, victims of abuse comes from very dysfunctional families--this is why they are such good targets for abusers, because they are not able to read the advanced warning signs and stay away.  


When it comes to abusers, many come from dysfunctional families that created the tendency to abuse anyway and many are to charmed by their own family members they are unable to understand that what they have is an abuser in the family.  They are only too willing to believe the stories they are told that justify what the abusers have done to their victims, many of whom often comes from the families themselves.  


In my situation, my family had no understanding that abuse was going on and when I filed for divorce they took the abusers' side.  They were only too willing to believe that I was unstable and during the time that my custody evaluation took place they were noticeably silent.  It was only as the months went on and what my ex was doing became more obvious that my parents finally woke up and realized what was going on.  Then they stood up for me, perhaps providing me too little too late, but, of course, that was better than nothing at all.  


Ultimately, what I'm saying is, I would be very skeptical of what families have to say.  I do report that this was what investigators reported about Linda Wiegand, but it isn't high up in the scale of evidence as far as I'm concerned.

JUST SO YOU KNOW!

You may have seen a new section in the pages section called Cathy's Divorce in Connecticut Store.  What I am trying to do is link up with Amazon so that I can advertise for sale books written by people I admire and respect such as Lundy Bancroft.  However, I haven't yet been able to activate the store because I can't figure out their darned directions. 

It's kind of a situation where the spirit is willing but the brains are weak. 

Meanwhile, I can see how I can actually add these what are called "widgets" into my blog posts which do the same thing as a blogsite store.  Unfortunately, I haven't monetized this particular blogsite--my Making of DIC blog.  Perhaps I'll get into it one day when I'm more skillful and it doesn't take me hours to hit the correct buttons. 

Meanwhile, if you see funny things going on in my Cathy store, or the widgets look funny in my daily blogs, don't get too worked up about it.  I will eventually figure it all out, it will just take me a little time. 

And before you get all indignant and say to yourself, that Cathy just wants to make bucks on exploiting us readers, keep in mind that in the two months that I've had the DIC blogsite going I have earned all of $.70. 

I'm actually allowing the monetization simply because I think it makes me appear to be somewhat more open to the world, more in the mainstream, rather than just focused in on my little world.  Of course, that could be just an illusion, but I truly am trying.  OK, Ok, I'm just joking. 

Anyway, let me know what you think about the general look, and if you have ideas about how to use blogger more effectively, I'm delighted to hear it. 

THE TIME FACTOR

There has been somewhat of a pause in writing since my last posting on financial agreements.  This is because I have so much to do in my life that I haven't been able to get to a computer so that I could sit down and write.  As a result, I was happy to come across the news article on Mary Winkler because it provided me with a ready made subject that I was very familiar with so I didn't have to do too much preparation to talk about it.  


The Mary Winkler case was being discussed in detail at the time that my divorce started and it made me feel very emotional.  I don't know how many times I worried that, like Mary Winkler, I wouldn't be able to take it any more and that I would snap.  To this day I am not sure what gave me the strength to continue on without doing anything stupid.


At the time I recall wondering, do my neighbors know how many women are living the same kind of life that Mary Winkler had?  Do they know what I'm going through?  I felt angry that no one seemed to understand how much pain I was suffering.  I envied Mary Winkler, in a way, because at least no one could ignore how she felt any more.  


At this point, however, I am very grateful that my children and I have survived the worst of my divorce without them ever going through a severe trauma on the level that the Winklers children did.  My kids can still live with the security of knowing that the world is reasonably safe to live in and that Mom was able to stand up and support them and make sure that everything is OK--not perfect, but OK.  That's good enough for me.